Today I spoke with you, the person closest to my heart. I missed you so much. It feels like forever since you’ve been gone. In reality it’s only been a year. My heart wants to spill every thought and every fear like a river that will engulf you but the time isn’t now. I pray your head stays as clear as it was today. You sounded like your old self. Like the person I knew and loved and who was my best friend and my soul mate. You joked in the way that only you can do even at the worst of times. I wanted to talk forever. To catch all the time we lost and put it back. I wanted to tell you how sorry I truly was. How many mistakes I have made and how if I could I would put all of them right. And a part of me felt that just a piece of you was gone. You’d lost it in this downfall and it won’t ever be returned to you. You are different now. You’ve made choices that sadden me beyond belief. You’ve burnt bridges that can’t ever be rebuilt. You’ve lost faith in yourself. I’ve learned through this journey of watching you turn to something you swore and promised you would never touch again that to hold your tongue and say nothing is the destruction of all words. All promises. We are only who we are in any given moment. We owe it to ourselves and to the world to say the things that we know should be said even if they are hard. I’ve learned you have to be honest. And I’ve learned that youth is wasted on the young. I wish I had seen clearly when I was young, I wish I had wanted to listen to my head and not my heart. I wish I had made the choices that were hard but for the best. Through all of this we have stood the test of time. The test of years and broken hearts. The test of change and the test of staying the same. I hope you come back to us changed and ever as you were. As the person I met and fell in love with. I hope you come back wiser and more peaceful. I hope you come back with your eyes open.
I think I am like a lot of people, in that I know what I want but I don’t like the roads to get there. This has nothing to do with difficulty, laziness or just general lack of desire but more so the notion that the roads are not correct. I think about this most often and commonly as I begin the process of going to graduate school for psychology, counseling and addiction, as well as attaining other licenses. I have been through the systems currently in place for all these and not only do I think they are out dated, I do not think for most people they work for the majority of someones life or are the best solution. It feels counter intuitive to join the system I disagree with to attain the “solution” I do not entirely believe is the solution. It is my opinion that mental health and psychology need a reinvention. This in no way makes me believe I have the knowledge of someone who has finished the degrees I am pursuing nor that I have all the answers. I only have an immense amount of personal and social experience in this field as well as years of self teaching and and information collection. So how do I take the road to the end and then create my own road. That I suppose is the question that has always driven my fascination around this subject and in a way kept me from attaining the status I would need to then break the mold.
I would love to hear what people think needs to change within the system in order to reinvent the field or are you completely content with how things are structured and why.
I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of getting sick or dying. I’m not even afraid of the whole world coming to a halt. I’m afraid of regret. I’m afraid of not working hard enough or living up to what I could be. I’m afraid of never undoing the knot that has balled up inside of me my whole life.
I’m afraid of the things I have control over not the things I don’t. Fear is easy. It’s figuring the way out of fear that is hard and I commend everyone regardless of what they are afraid of today for the strength it takes to keep going.
I don’t believe everything will be fine in the world and I do not believe in telling people it will be fine. I do believe in faith though. Faith is bigger than being fine. Gratitude for what you have is bigger than being fine.