I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of getting sick or dying. I’m not even afraid of the whole world coming to a halt. I’m afraid of regret. I’m afraid of not working hard enough or living up to what I could be. I’m afraid of never undoing the knot that has balled up inside of me my whole life.
I’m afraid of the things I have control over not the things I don’t. Fear is easy. It’s figuring the way out of fear that is hard and I commend everyone regardless of what they are afraid of today for the strength it takes to keep going.
I don’t believe everything will be fine in the world and I do not believe in telling people it will be fine. I do believe in faith though. Faith is bigger than being fine. Gratitude for what you have is bigger than being fine.
Recently, I’ve had kind of a break down. A break down of life and thought and humanity. It sounds dramatic but it’s far more mundane. I think most people would call it depression and maybe it is labeled as such but to me labeling things ‘depression’ takes away from the true gravity that a person feels about life. I’ve thought a lot about how we spend our lives. How we’re spending the worlds life, because everything has a life and it has a death including the planet. I’m currently in the process of “trying to find a new job”. I have no idea what I want to do. I have no idea what my life’s purpose is. And I think that that has always hung me up. “Life’s Purpose”. What is a purpose. Why can’t I seem to find mine like everyone else has. Everyone else seems to have one and if they don’t they don’t seem bothered by the every day complacency and mundane life of paying bills and dying. I just don’t think I can life another 30 years this way. I don’t think I can go on like this. I feel like it’s death but instead of dying I just suffocate slowly watching time run out. Time. The only thing you can’t buy, you can’t replace and they don’t make more of it. So I don’t think I have a life’s purpose but I do have time and that’s all I have. So what do I want to do with my time because it’s definitely not what I’ve been doing. I don’t want to spend my whole life wasted doing nothing, being nothing and going nowhere. What matters? What doesn’t matter? Why not be myself unapologetically all the time. I think about what people will say about me when I die. What people will say about anyone. All these instagram idols we have, all these celebrities and politicians. Do you really want to be remembered as the person who just went to the gym every day? As the person who had 3 million followers. I guess I don’t think most of us are spending our time wisely but then again what do I know, clearly not much since I’m equally as stuck in the rat race.