So I took a few days from posting realizing that I felt like I had nothing to say and didn’t want to put filler out just to say I was being active. It’s been a particularly difficult time this last month. I recently ended/transitioned out of an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship and wanted to be upfront and honest with y’all because I feel that it’s important for people to know they aren’t alone. I think it’s startling to reach a place where you realize that you’ve blinded yourself, made excuses and tried to cover up something that you knew was unhealthy and ultimately destructive even as you were trying to better yourself as a human being. When we finally step away from something and can look at it clearly and see just how terrible, damaging and draining it was we find a whole new perspective from which we need to work. I am beginning again and trying to forgive myself, every day for all the harm I caused myself by staying in a situation that continually hurt me as a person. I think that although the person who is being abusive is obviously accountable for that pain we also need to take responsibility for our own actions, our own faults and say no, this is my fault too. I allowed myself to be hurt, I didn’t take of myself, I stayed when I knew I shouldn’t etc. and that is absolutely 120% my fault and I own that. I am incredibly grateful for everything I have learned from this and although it has put a new set of challenges on me it has also made me so much stronger and taught me about myself and where my weaknesses are as an individual and also in a relationship. I encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to of course not only dig deep (you’re going to have to dig real deep) and find the strength leave but also to reach out, share, create a support for myself whether it’s family or friends and be honest. Honesty is such a huge part of growing up and healing. Hold yourself accountable because no one else is going to do it for you.
When people ask you, “hey so how was your day, did you have a good day?” what do you usually tell them? So and so did this, this and that happened and yeah I guess it was good or no it wasn’t that great. Have you ever stopped to think though, why was I unhappy or happy based on any of those things or people? Because you (and I) gave our happiness to them and said here, “make me feel better” and then we were probably disappointed. I am one of the worst at this!! (I say one of the worst but I ought to say, it’s something I am learning to do better-positive reframing y’all, lets get it done). I let people and situations sway my happiness, sway my peace of mind every day all day. And for what, what am I getting out of it. Nothing! Nothing at all and neither are you. This has become such an ingrained habit, so unconscious that I barely notice it most of the time. My mood swings left and right and up and down depending on my dogs, how easy it was to find the things I needed at the hardware store, whether my significant other is in a good mood. I’m sacrificing my calm and literally throwing it on a trash pile, setting it on fire and going “I wonder why I’m so unhappy all the time”. We as a culture do this as well. We are consumers of almost every category looking for that moment of joy or fulfilment before we allow ourselves to be thrown into the waves, treading water in our own self-made mediocrity and anguish. There is no magic cure, no program to getting out of this way of life. It’s literally 2 steps-notice and stop. Notice that you’re giving your happiness away to this person or that thing and stop it. Take it back, say “I’m not going to spend 2 or even 10 minutes upset by this”. Trust me, no one and nothing deserves your happiness, joy or contentment more than you do.