I want to say thank you. Thank you to the universe for giving me these opportunities that I am finally seeing are what I have been searching for all along. As part of my commitment setting for this year I told myself I would journal my gratitudes and my intentions every single day. I don’t always know how I will get to the finished picture but I am thankful that the universe provides me a way, if I am trusting. It has taken me my whole life to get to this point. A point in which I finally feel like I am finding my purpose, my place and my tribe. A point in which I finally feel like I am making a home for myself both inside and out. And I am proud. I also want to thank the people in my life who have helped me get here. Some of them are no longer with me and some of them I will meet someday but I am so thankful, even if I cannot see the point in all the pain and wrong turns I made I know that they brought me here and I am truly humbled, for the first time in my life. This year holds so much promise that I have not ever felt before or strived to attain. I hope that this promise can be felt by everyone even in small ways. So thank you to everyone for continuing to try and figure it out every day. I know that sometimes that is the biggest struggle we face but do not judge yourselves or others. Everything’s Eventual…if you keep going.
I was asked by my therapist recently who my support system is. I stared blankly at her for a good 12 seconds, not because I don’t know what a support system is but because I don’t have one. I have no family and one parent whose depth of conversation usually involves my dogs and work. I know plenty of people but have no good friends ( I had several childhood and close friends but we are no longer in contact). I’ve heard the saying we can get used to anything but hadn’t truly grasped how real that was for me. I am alone. Not out of choice but out of circumstance. Truly alone. And I’m so used to this I barely noticed it. I could say support isn’t really necessary, look how far I’ve made it. Look how strong I am but that would be false. I am in fact so without support that I am paying someone to be there for me (insert laughter, because I find humor in everything). I pride myself on being able to outlast anyone and live through anything but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. We need support, friendships, relationships to go. To learn. When all you have is yourself you become a different kind of tough and it’s not always for the best but it’s because you have no other choice.
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the difference between being critical of oneself, actions or changes that need to be made and being judgemental. I believe for growth and betterment of ourselves we need to be critical. We need to think about how our thoughts, actions and goals affect our future, and how we are connecting these things with changes we need to make. Too often however we judge ourselves from an emotional bias and become angry, stressed, upset and or give up. Learning to distinguish between these two can create a much less stressful process of growth and change. Be critical. Think critically. Act critically. Do not however attach emotional judgements and labels or put yourself down when trying to change a behavior or process. Accepting our shortcomings and failures while seeing their value is being critical of how we change them in the future. This the difference between staying in the same self defeating loop and breaking free to a new path.
“So what are your career goals in five years?”
This question has become something I’ve learned to loathe. I loathe it because it’s confining and I loathe it because I don’t know.
In every job interview, you go on you will hear this question. I understand the purpose of being goal oriented. I am goal oriented. I am hardworking and ambitious but that does not mean I have a clear plan for where I see myself in five years. I don’t even have a clear plan on what career I want in five years. Instead of expecting people to know who they want to be or worse, should be in five years, perhaps we should focus on helping them in this moment, this day figure out how they want to start.