Recently, I’ve had kind of a break down. A break down of life and thought and humanity. It sounds dramatic but it’s far more mundane. I think most people would call it depression and maybe it is labeled as such but to me labeling things ‘depression’ takes away from the true gravity that a person feels about life. I’ve thought a lot about how we spend our lives. How we’re spending the worlds life, because everything has a life and it has a death including the planet. I’m currently in the process of “trying to find a new job”. I have no idea what I want to do. I have no idea what my life’s purpose is. And I think that that has always hung me up. “Life’s Purpose”. What is a purpose. Why can’t I seem to find mine like everyone else has. Everyone else seems to have one and if they don’t they don’t seem bothered by the every day complacency and mundane life of paying bills and dying. I just don’t think I can life another 30 years this way. I don’t think I can go on like this. I feel like it’s death but instead of dying I just suffocate slowly watching time run out. Time. The only thing you can’t buy, you can’t replace and they don’t make more of it. So I don’t think I have a life’s purpose but I do have time and that’s all I have. So what do I want to do with my time because it’s definitely not what I’ve been doing. I don’t want to spend my whole life wasted doing nothing, being nothing and going nowhere. What matters? What doesn’t matter? Why not be myself unapologetically all the time. I think about what people will say about me when I die. What people will say about anyone. All these instagram idols we have, all these celebrities and politicians. Do you really want to be remembered as the person who just went to the gym every day? As the person who had 3 million followers. I guess I don’t think most of us are spending our time wisely but then again what do I know, clearly not much since I’m equally as stuck in the rat race.
It’s the start of a new decade. A new year. And yet just another day. I don’t believe we wait for the new year to be new people. We can be new whenever we want. Some people started to be new a few years ago, some people maybe won’t start for a few more years. This year I have goals for the first time in a long time. Mile markers I want to hit and dreams I want to actualize.
The new year never usually feels different to me, it’s always just another day but today feels like a page has turned. Something slightly bigger, more momentous has happened. For some reason a fear that I usually brush aside will not leave-the fear of wasting every day. This fear is good. It propels me. It makes me think about dedication, determination and git. Tomorrow will be January 2, 2020 and no one will care about those dreams, that dedication will flicker just bit but that fear, that fear will still be there and I welcome it.