Everything's Eventual

I want to say thank you. Thank you to the universe for giving me these opportunities that I am finally seeing are what I have been searching for all along. As part of my commitment setting for this year I told myself I would journal my gratitudes and my intentions every single day. I don’t always know how I will get to the finished picture but I am thankful that the universe provides me a way, if I am trusting. It has taken me my whole life to get to this point. A point in which I finally feel like I am finding my purpose, my place and my tribe. A point in which I finally feel like I am making a home for myself both inside and out. And I am proud. I also want to thank the people in my life who have helped me get here. Some of them are no longer with me and some of them I will meet someday but I am so thankful, even if I cannot see the point in all the pain and wrong turns I made I know that they brought me here and I am truly humbled, for the first time in my life. This year holds so much promise that I have not ever felt before or strived to attain. I hope that this promise can be felt by everyone even in small ways. So thank you to everyone for continuing to try and figure it out every day. I know that sometimes that is the biggest struggle we face but do not judge yourselves or others. Everything’s Eventual…if you keep going.

Something About Nothing

This week I feel as if I have nothing to write about. There are no deep pains I have to get off my chest, no truths to uncover. I always ask myself what is the point of writing if it’s not going to be great. In fact what is the point of you doing anything if it is not the best. I’ve struggled with this notion throughout my life and I feel have quit many things I loved because I didn’t understand I could do them simply just to do enjoy them. I didn’t have to care about rank or what the finished product was or even, what people thought of it. I made a commitment to myself to do something, in this case write and even if I write about nothing for sixty straight weeks it’s the commitment to that nothing that counts.

It's Been

It’s the start of a new decade. A new year. And yet just another day. I don’t believe we wait for the new year to be new people. We can be new whenever we want. Some people started to be new a few years ago, some people maybe won’t start for a few more years. This year I have goals for the first time in a long time. Mile markers I want to hit and dreams I want to actualize.

The new year never usually feels different to me, it’s always just another day but today feels like a page has turned. Something slightly bigger, more momentous has happened. For some reason a fear that I usually brush aside will not leave-the fear of wasting every day. This fear is good. It propels me. It makes me think about dedication, determination and git. Tomorrow will be January 2, 2020 and no one will care about those dreams, that dedication will flicker just bit but that fear, that fear will still be there and I welcome it.

Support System

I was asked by my therapist recently who my support system is. I stared blankly at her for a good 12 seconds, not because I don’t know what a support system is but because I don’t have one. I have no family and one parent whose depth of conversation usually involves my dogs and work. I know plenty of people but have no good friends ( I had several childhood and close friends but we are no longer in contact). I’ve heard the saying we can get used to anything but hadn’t truly grasped how real that was for me. I am alone. Not out of choice but out of circumstance. Truly alone. And I’m so used to this I barely noticed it. I could say support isn’t really necessary, look how far I’ve made it. Look how strong I am but that would be false. I am in fact so without support that I am paying someone to be there for me (insert laughter, because I find humor in everything). I pride myself on being able to outlast anyone and live through anything but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. We need support, friendships, relationships to go. To learn. When all you have is yourself you become a different kind of tough and it’s not always for the best but it’s because you have no other choice.

Extinguished

I’ve had a lot of experience with death throughout my life. I’m familiar with the feeling of loss and being alone in an instant. I’ve become hardened, maybe a little jaded. How else would I survive, I thought. How could I not become a little cold, a little detached. Another light in my life recently went out. I sat with him as his heart stopped beating and instead of turning away I looked straight into the moment. Because that’s what this all is, just a moment. One long or short moment, one moment here or there. It’s all just a moment. Seemingly insignificant because all it is is meaningful. We are all so fragile. So breakable despite being so solid and real. The moment is so easy to extinguish but so much harder to construct. Life takes. It takes time. It takes work. This one moment of death somehow touched me. It shook me. It broke me.  It wasn’t just an idea, a formula. It was real. It was a whole moment of nothing at all. It was knowing that someone else’s moment was gone. We do a lot of things to deal with death but being in the moment with it usually isn’t one of them. I realized in that moment what was lost, what was gone. It’s funny how seeing a moment pass by reminds you to be more in the one right now. Don’t try to escape it, wish or think your way out. Don’t waste your moment because it’s all you have.

Self Critical vs. Judgmental

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the difference between being critical of oneself, actions or changes that need to be made and being judgemental. I believe for growth and betterment of ourselves we need to be critical. We need to think about how our thoughts, actions and goals affect our future, and how we are connecting these things with changes we need to make. Too often however we judge ourselves from an emotional bias and become angry, stressed, upset and or give up. Learning to distinguish between these two can create a much less stressful process of growth and change. Be critical. Think critically. Act critically. Do not however attach emotional judgements and labels or put yourself down when trying to change a behavior or process. Accepting our shortcomings and failures while seeing their value is being critical of how we change them in the future. This the difference between staying in the same self defeating loop and breaking free to a new path.

Space and Time

I wanted to start the week off talking about the moment. What moment are you in? Where in space are you living? I recently made the choice to be more aware of how I’m living my life and realized most of my thoughts and therefore energy are either in the past or in the future. I am therefore creating a predictable present. Learning to control my thoughts and my emotions connected to those thoughts has been difficult, to say the least. I am someone who likes control because I often feel like I have none. Trying to become more aware of myself has made me see that I indeed do not have much control over myself only because I haven’t been training my body and mind to stop creating chaos at all times. I like to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt. Nothing about this process is known or sure. Instead, you’re trying to live solely as much in the unknown as possible. Create the life you want from the present moment. I am always off in a thousand places, as I’m working, driving, shopping. I’m never truly here. Becoming aware of this has been scary. No wonder I live in a state of stress and fear. A quote I often see is “The past is past, let it go” and that is true. I worry most about the past and thus let it create my future and then I wonder why the future is as I predicted. Change your thoughts and change your life has become a cliche notion in the mainstream media in the last few years but it is true. Don’t just change your thoughts, change your attachments and your feelings to those thoughts. If I want to live a different life with different outcomes I have to change how I live right now, I have to be a little uncomfortable all the time. None of this is easy or even satisfying in the moment. It’s frustrating and scary but I think it’s a necessary talk we need to start having since we live in such a fast-paced and futuristic world and thus are missing out on the moments of joy and change we can create right now.