Being honest is hard. There is no way around that. It’s hard when you feel weak and tired and you are maybe even afraid. It’s hard when you know, being honest is going to bring you nothing but pain. Relationships are where I struggle the most with honesty. Not in a -keeping secrets, lying to my partner sort of way but rather I don’t want to feel the rejection or disappointment or frustration from them when I tell them how I feel…what I’m struggling with and that it’s hard. Continuing to be honest even when you know the pain is going to come, even when you know the roadblocks are going to come and you have to keep fighting through that fear is the only solution. We hide so much of what we think because we fear the outcome, we fear the response but most of all we fear the pain. You’re already in pain, you’re already suffering why not get a reward from it. Go that last half mile and finish. Get it off your chest and be honest with yourself and the other person because ultimately the truth really does set you free.
Had the odd experience this week of being completely blindsided by someone I thought I knew really well, which got me thinking-do we ever really know anyone. Of course, people have shocked, hurt, surprised me before but rarely has it been someone I’ve known almost all of my adult life. This is in part due to the fact that I rarely let anyone into my closest circle. I think it’s the most jarring experience of being human…never fully knowing what someone is thinking and if the reality they are portraying is, in fact, the reality they live. Having no expectations and understanding that investment is transmutable, it’s not fixed and the outcome will never be certain is all we can really do. No doubt, no judgements, no fear. You can’t ever know someone fully, we all have pieces we keep to ourselves and even when you think that person would never do you like that, or never not come to you I can guarantee that you will be disappointed and proven wrong 100% of the time.
This has been one of the most complex topics that I have dealt with, not only from childhood but also in my adult life. I have passions that I can define and that have gone with me throughout all my endeavours but learning to trust those passions and maybe even invest in my passion has been another story. One of my favorite phrases is “transferring your passion to your job is easier than finding a job that fit’s your passion”. This is a hard truth for me to deal with. I am by nature a very black and white type person. By this I mean, if I’m not interested in it I won’t try. School proved to be learning lesson (in more ways than one) for me because if I wanted to graduate I had to invest, regardless of if it inspired me or not.
I think there is a fine line between searching for the perfect job/career, of which there is none and finding something that fits you overall, maybe not perfectly but doesn’t make you dread your work day in and day out. That is the quest that most of us are on and furthermore to find if our passion can be our jobs or if they are just in fact, passions.
Reverse engineering has become something I’m obsessed with. Looking at other people’s successes or even failures and starting from the end and working back. How did they get there, what did they do, what do I like about it, what do I dislike about it. I think we’re always looking at things from start to finish and although nothing is ever truly finished sometimes it’s easier more insightful to look in reverse.
I think one of best things I’ve learned is that rejection is a great foundation for change. Whether it’s a job or a person, being told no for whatever reason can either light a spark and kick you into a state of change or it can cripple you. Something I am continually teaching myself is to seek out rejection. Apply for the job that you want even if you’re not fully qualified, ask a CEO or idol for advice or that random guy/girl you like out on a date. Look for ways to be told no-it makes you stronger than you think. Rejection can even be more abstract such as not being as successful or “popular” as you hoped but working harder none the less. We are constantly looking for yes’s, acceptance and to avoid being told no. I think this lack of tolerance for failure is what brings so many people down and I myself have struggled and fallen victim to this mentally as well. The no’s are what should fuel you just as much as the yes’s.
I think one of the hardest parts about changing our behavior is being able to stop ourselves from whatever thought pattern or behavior we are engaging in while we are in the middle of it. Taking a deep breath and saying I don’t want to continue this, or why am I feeling this way, what am I doing and how do I shift gears is really the heart of the matter and the most challenging aspect of transforming the mind. I think there is this hope or idea that we do this once and that’s it, we’re done the problem is solved, we’ve put in the effort and shouldn’t have to deal with the feelings or thoughts anymore. The continual grind of checking in, slowing down and noticing our mental roadblocks is exhausting! And it’s never not going to be exhausting. Determination over motivation and learning the dedication and muscle (yes our mind is like a muslce) strength that it takes to change our thoughts is the only way to succeed.
I think we now live in a time where we are really comfortable with complacency and depression. There is this feeling that we are part of a group if we are self-deprecating and consistently unappreciative of ourselves and our lives. This masking of unhappiness as jokes and sarcasm does far more deep-rooted damage than most of us are willing to be aware of. Instead of speaking our best and therefore being our best we want to not rise above the pack and the culture and or take control of our lives and our thoughts. This is what I believe is a fundamental issue with modern mental health and addressing depression and other disorders. Change not only how you think but what you say and you will change yourself and encourage others to better themselves as well.